4.Pre-departure apprehension

22nd of August, London

Pre-departure apprehension. It will pass as soon as I get in to the train. But the previous 2 days a departure are always a torment. Lazy day at work. Nobody wishes to work on Friday. I think to the russian website. Instructions in the email are a code. A combination. Up and down among the pages. Why? I don't really wish to find it out.

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I think to the small diary. Moleskina in Italian. It was Luca's gift, first person in London I befriended. He left. As many others. As the most. You must have something wrong in you to want to stay in London. Something written more then 2 years ago. I'm surprised how far forward I've been able to see. Sandra happy but dissatisfied. Then like now. Then like now trying to turn over the situation to make me seem the dissatisfied one. To have a reason for leaving. She always wanted to leave, since the beginning. Happy but dissatisfied. Wishful but scared. Determined but unstable. Wanted to stay and wanted to leave.

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And the stains coming from my blood tell me go back home... I like this White Stripes' song. Restlessness grows, there's no reason anymore to stay in place carving you inside.

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Toilets flooded. The last one clogged, obviously the incline is towards the door. A cook got in. "You should start cooking something better", I told him. He laughed. I was serious. I bring my own food from home. the Lituanian girl who clean the "gentlemen" toilets saw about it. The blonde girl deserves an award. She will get nothing, of course.

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Arranged last things before departure. Even yesterday procrastinations. Got airplane ticket to my son. I don't see him since... October of 2 years ago? Life is odd. And I even more. Tomorrow usual early start, but at least a different trip. This evening headache.

PS Received 2 photos on Whatsapp, in the afternoon. My uncle, my cousin and her husband in the first one. One of my nieces, my brother's daughter, in the second one. I struggle to remember my nieces' name. I said I'm weird.