1. Katabasis

19th of August, London

Had a hard time to wake up, this morning. Lack of vitamin D. At 5 is still dark, these days. More and more depressed, since she left. In the morning is the worst time. Arrived at work, washed my hands: water became grey. Just 20 minutes in the tube...what did I touched? What I did breathe!

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Yesterday looked for a low cost ticket to go away this weekend. Ridiculous prices, as usual on bankholidays. I'll try again this evening. Maybe a normal train till Dover, no Eurostar. Then ferry to Calais. I must flee this city, this island. At least for few days.

Keep reading again and again the email received some days ago. No reply address, .ru domain. Everybody can have a Russian account, nowaday. You'll find her here. A link, then instructions to follow when on the website. Her. Why should I look for her?

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Spent time with friends at the pub after work. Ran late. Not time to visit the website, tonight. Talking came out I had sex whit Alice after Sandra's left me. Alice is refusing to speak to me, obviously friends start to ask questions. The news left Serena without words. Carlo just asked: "But why her?"

Why? Maybe she was the first available one. I don't really know why. "Of all people, you don't know why?" Antonella asked. I stared at her. Why she? She was available. Why did I do it? Was the first step of my katabasis. I want to demolish all my moral principles. Those principles that got me here. Why I want to do it? This is the real question. And I don't have the answer.